The Funniest "Family Guy" Quotes Ever!

Are you a fan of irreverent humor, absurdity, and non-sequiturs? Look no further than "Family Guy", the animated sitcom that has been entertaining audiences for over two decades. From the dysfunctional Griffin family to the residents of Quahog, Rhode Island, the show has no shortage of memorable characters and hilarious moments. To celebrate the show's wit and humor, we've compiled a list of the best Family Guy quotes that will have you laughing out loud and quoting them for weeks to come. So sit back, grab a Pawtucket Patriot Ale, and get ready to chuckle your way through this list of comedic gems.

78 "Family Guy" Quotes (Fun & Funniest)

Whether it's Peter's nonsensical ramblings, Stewie's British-accented musings, or Brian's biting sarcasm, the show is filled with hilarious lines that have become part of our cultural lexicon. Need a witty comeback for a snarky coworker? Quote Brian. Want to impress your friends with your knowledge of pop culture? Drop a reference to a Family Guy cutaway gag. With its endless stream of quotable moments, "Family Guy" has become a goldmine for comedy fans, including the following 78 quotes.

1. "I'm not a failure because I didn't succeed. I'm a failure because I didn't try." — Peter Griffin.

2. "Oh, look, a barbershop quartet in four-part harmony. That takes skill!" — Peter Griffin.

3. "Hey, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you're still not wearing a tuxedo. What are you, a farmer?" — Brian.

4. "Nothing beats a haunted moonlit night on All Hallows Eve... And on this fatal night, at this witching time, the starless sky laments black and unmoving. The somber hues of an ominous, dark forest are suddenly illuminated under the emerging face of the full moon." — Herbert.

5. "I'm gonna go upstairs and do the right thing." — Peter Griffin (then proceeds to go upstairs and watch TV).

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6. "I refuse to be a part of a society that encourages the rampant abuse of alcohol." — Brian.

7. "I don't know, Marge. Trying is the first step towards failure." — Homer Simpson (guest appearance on Family Guy).

8. "Sarcasm is the refuge of losers." — Brian.

9. "Oh, it's so cute! It's like a little baby unicorn!" — Stewie Griffin.

10. "I'm not just sure, I'm HIV positive." — Peter Griffin.

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11. "You're a woman, you're used to doing things you don't want to do." — Peter Griffin.

12. "Oh, my God, Brian, you're a genius! I mean, I knew you were smart, but you're, like, Einstein-level smart." — Stewie Griffin.

13. "I'd like to propose a toast to our nation's schools. Without them, we'd all be home-schooled." — Peter Griffin.

14. "I'm sorry, Lois, but an airplane's just not the natural habitat for a dog. It goes against the laws of nature." — Brian.

15. "Congratulations, Lois, you've given birth to a full-grown man." — Peter Griffin.

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16. "I'm like a superhero, but without the super." — Peter Griffin.

17. "I'm not a fat guy in a little coat. I'm a fat guy in a big coat." — Peter Griffin.

18. "I'm not a doctor, but I'll take a look." — Peter Griffin.

19. "Come on, you guys, let's not turn an argument into a who's right discussion." — Chris Griffin.

20. "I didn't cry when me own father was hung for stealing a pig, but I'll cry now." — Peter Griffin (in an Irish accent).

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21. "I'm not an actor, I'm a [bleep] star." — Peter Griffin (censored for TV).

22. "Oh, cr*p. I have a date tonight." — Peter Griffin.

23. "I'm not a fan of reality TV. Unless it's the news. Then I'm all in." — Brian.

24. "I don't like things that end in 'ish.' Jewish, Irish... those are okay." — Peter Griffin.

25. "You know what the problem with being a woman is? Eventually, you start to think like one." — Peter Griffin.

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26. "You see, Brian, I'm the one who makes the rules up around here." — Stewie Griffin.

27. "The only way to kill a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun." — Peter Griffin.

28. "I have an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I'm talking about." — Peter Griffin.

29. "I'm not drunk, I'm just exhausted from staying up all night drinking." — Peter Griffin.

30. "Oh, my God, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'" — Peter Griffin.

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31. "You know what really grinds my gears? People who don't return their shopping carts." — Peter Griffin.

32. "Victory is mine!" — Stewie Griffin.

33. "Oh, no, I spilled my beer. I better put on my beer coat." — Peter Griffin.

34. "I'm not saying you're not smart, I'm just saying I'm smarter." — Brian.

35. "Oh, my God, who the hell cares?" — Peter Griffin.

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36. "You know, I'm not sure if I like Meg or not. It's like sometimes I feel sorry for her 'cause she's such a loser, but then I think, 'Man, she's such a skank.' Then I'm like, 'Forget it.'" — Chris Griffin.

37. "It's not a purse, it's a European carry-all." — Jerry (guest appearance on Family Guy).

38. "I'm not fat, I'm big-boned." — Peter Griffin.

39. "You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." — Dean Martin (guest appearance on Family Guy).

40. "I'm not going to apologize for being a monster." — Stewie Griffin.

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41. "You know, people like to blame the media for everything, but how can you blame us for something like this?" — Tom Tucker.

42. "I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge, right now we're at DEFCON 1." — Homer Simpson (guest appearance on Family Guy).

43. "I'm not a hero. I put my bra on one boob at a time like everyone else." — Lois Griffin.

44. "I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." — Peter Griffin.

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45. "I'm a white male between the ages of 18 and 49 with a loud mouth and an opinion on everything." — Peter Griffin.

46. "You know what they say, 'Fool me once, strike one, but fool me twice... strike three.'" — Michael Bluth (guest appearance on Family Guy).

47. "I'm not a baby, I'm a tumor." — Stewie Griffin.

48. "I don't know how to say this, but I'm kind of a big deal." — Peter Griffin.on Family Guy).

49. "I'm not a monster, Lois. I'm just ahead of the curve." — Stewie Griffin.

50. "Lois, if I'm not back in five minutes... wait longer!" — Peter Griffin
     
51. "Oh, I’m sorry, I thought this was America!" — Peter Griffin (mocking South Park)
     
52. "Brian, there’s a message in my cereal. It says 'oooooo.' Wait… those are just Cheerios." — Peter Griffin
     
53. "If I had a nickel for every time I saw that, I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice, right?" — Stewie Griffin
     
54. "Peter, those are chicken bones!" — "Well then explain this full chicken skeleton!" — Lois & Peter
     
55. "I'm not a bad guy. I'm just not a good guy." — Peter Griffin
     
56. "Do I smell cookies?" — "No Stewie, it's fire. We’re trapped in a burning building." — "Oh... so no cookies?" — Stewie & Brian
     
57. "Stewie, why don’t you play in the other room?" — "Why don’t you burn in hell?" — Lois & Stewie
     
58. "Oh, my God, Meg, who let you back in the house?" — Peter Griffin
    
    
    

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59. "Brian, there’s a world outside your apartment." — "Yeah, but is it better than Netflix?" — Stewie & Brian
     
60. "I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here!" — Stewie Griffin
     
61. "Peter, you can't just declare yourself king of the household." — "Too late. I already made the crown out of aluminum foil and regret." — Lois & Peter
     
62. "I'm not above using a baby to get out of something. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again." — Peter Griffin
     
63. "You better watch who you’re calling a child, Lois. Because if I’m a child, then you know what that makes you? A pedophile! And I’ll be damned if I’m gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert!" — Peter Griffin
     
64. "So what if I’m dating a younger guy? At least I don’t go out with a dog!" — Meg Griffin
     
65. "Is it just me, or does Quagmire creep you out too?" — "Oh yeah, that dude has 'Dateline NBC' written all over him." — Lois & Brian
     
66. "Brian, I’m going to be as clear and honest with you as I can: I did not care for The Godfather." — Stewie Griffin
     
67. "Hey Lois, remember the time I..." — [cutaway gag starts] — Peter Griffin
     
68. "All right, who replaced my birth control pills with Smarties?" — Lois Griffin
     
69. "If I was a woman, I'd be the worst woman ever. I'd be loud, abrasive, and always saying what's on my mind." — "So, you'd be Lois?" — Peter & Brian
     
70. "Dear diary: Jackpot." — Quagmire
     
71. "What the hell kind of dog likes jazz?" — "I do, Brian does." — "You don’t even like the music you listen to!" — Peter, Brian, & Stewie
     
72. "Meg, who let you talk?" — Stewie Griffin
     
73. "It’s not that I want to kill her, it’s just that I want her to stop existing." — Stewie Griffin
     
74. "You have to do what I say! I’m the dog!" — Brian
     
75. "Peter, you blew up our house!" — "Don’t worry, Lois. It was just a simulation." — "A simulation of what?!" — "Me blowing up the house." — Lois & Peter
     
76. "You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew." — Peter Griffin
     
77. "Brian, there’s a message in my Fruit Loops! It says, 'You should get out more.'" — Peter Griffin
     
78. "Ooh, piece of candy. Ooh, piece of candy. Ooh, piece of candy..." — James Woods

Lucky There's a Family Guy!

One of the reasons why "Family Guy" has been so successful is its ability to take everyday situations and turn them into comedic gold. Whether it's a dysfunctional family dinner or a trip to the grocery store, the show's writers always manage to find humor in the mundane.

But what really sets "Family Guy" apart are its characters, each with their own unique quirks and personalities. Peter's absurd rants and catchphrases, Brian's intellectualism, and Stewie's dry wit and accent have all become iconic in their own right. And while you're here, why not test yourself with Infoplease's Friends TV Show Quiz?

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